"I don't like myself, I'm crazy about myself." --Mae West

Shelly talks in a recent blog post about living passionately for one's self.

"i used to dream about having time to read and think and craft without feeling as though i was being perceived as wasting time. now with the exception of cleaning my apartment and doing my laundry once or twice a week, my life is exclusively hobby-driven. i do only what i want to do and i always do it whenever the fuck i want to. i am so destined to be single. i don't know that i could give this up. i can live so honestly and so quietly and so freely in my little world with my little brain and my little writing instruments. i love it. my previous job was wonderful but so demanding and consuming of my mental energy and sometimes of my physical strength. i had nothing left to give to the hollow places in my soul that needed so badly to be entertained and enriched by activity and passion of my own choosing. maybe i am making up for lost time and one day this will balance out. or maybe this is who i am and i will always be slightly off the radar and quite unreachable."

Hmmmmmm.... you'd never guess that we were born on the same day! Go, Shelly, go. Truly, her words got me thinking.

I am a person who loves a lot of things. Sometimes I think it actually IS all wrapped up in my astrological sign, not that I buy into that all that much. But my Gemini self gets pretty excited over a lot of things... sometimes those passions are short lived. I don't mind. There's always a new adventure, a new exciting thing to try.

Because I am genuinely excited about so many things in life, people think I do too much. I have too many involvements--one summer it's stamping and scrapbooking, then it's the scrabble craze, next I'm all about exercise, then it's knitting and crocheting. I watch movies like some people drink water, I travel, I read books, I am in book clubs--only two now, I started a wine club this year, and now a writing group looms large. I am a teacher, a writer, a reader, babysitter, a friend, a shopper, a talker, I enjoy games, trivia--twice a week lately. I like looking at the night sky, going for long walks, taking saunas, sitting around the firepit with friends just shooting the breeze. If someone calls me up to do something there's a good chance I'll say yes. If I can. If I want to. I usually want to. Sometimes I cannot.

People sometimes think I have a "hard time saying no" but that's not true. I VERY RARELY do something I don't actually WANT to do. I am not a "people pleaser," I am a "Carmyn pleaser." If I don't want to do something or am too tired, or not in the mood, I can pass very easily and without regret or apology. The trouble is there is more than I want to do in a day, in a week, in life than is humanly possible. So I make boundaries. I strip from my life the things I actually don't want to do but do out of obligation.

As I read this line in Shelly's post "something broke loose in my brain a year ago and demanded that i live according to my own passions, regardless of anyone else's opinion of them," I realized that this attitude of mine has been there for a long, long, time. I want to be good, dutiful, kind to others and our environment, but I also really like myself and my time. I value my passions rather highly and I make them my priority.

I once, years ago, told my dad that I didn't know if I could ever get married because I really liked my life and my freedom to do what I want when I want. He smiled and said, "who doesn't? But the truth is that when you actually find someone you love enough to marry you will discover you don't mind so much. You just haven't found that someone yet." Maybe.

I know that married friends have listened to me say things like this and with a knowing and tolerant smile they've suggested that sometimes in life, one needs to "grow up" and put someone else first and sometimes you need to sacrifice for your kids and your husband. Gosh, let me never grow up, eh? I don't ever want to be THAT smug.

Yes, the implication that because I am a single woman, because of my current "selfish" choices, I am somehow less of a person, less of a grown up, less of a contributor to society, less responsible, just less. That really burns me up. And why should I NOT be selfish with my time, my interests, my passions? After all, I'm not shirking my duties to hearth and home. No children are deprived because I don't make lunch until 3 pm on a Sunday. No husband is annoyed when I want to spend time with my girl friends. And when I want a cuddly little buddy or three, I can always show up for some bedtimes on Belmont. I am sure there is much satisfaction in the nuclear family but there is also sacrifice and work. I think I am not in such a hurry that I need to shop for the nearest male to simply catch up. No, if I am going to do any of this selfless stuff, it's going to be for a knock-me-flat, bowled-over, deliriously happy brand of married me, that wouldn't even really recognize the sacrifice or work in it, because true to my Gemini nature it would be a new adventure and one I embraced fully and happily. But you can't force that. It would be wrong to try.