My Trip to the Nut Lab

Last Thursday, on what could not have been a busier day, I took a little trip to the Nut Lab. Actually the Human Nutrition Laboratory in case you were getting any ideas. In the past I've participated in studies that pay a stipend for human guniea pigs. I am always willing to to do things like take iron supplements if cash is involved. If only there was as study that would pay me to take calcium. (something I know I should do, but can't seem to start).

The iron study was alright. Some participants get placebos and others get the real thing. It's not hard to know if you've got the real thing if you know anything about what iron does to the body or to your food on the way out. I was in that study for a few months and took a daily supplement and returned to the lab each Monday morning for them to take my blood and to drop off a stool sample. Dear God. This woman will poop in a bag for money. (it's true.... but it has to be significant money and benefit science) There was a bit more to all that study but for the most part that captures the wonder and horror of it all.

I also participated in an easy study that involved no blood or feces. Instead this one involved a series of "mood and reaction surveys" given before and after drinking a glass of room temperature water with varying degrees of copper content. One survey was administered when I arrived to create a baseline of my "mood." One was done fifteen minutes after drinking the water. One was given an hour after drinking the water. One was done by phone 24 hours later. In this study I came to the Nut. Lab once a week for a couple months.

One might think that getting paid to drink a cup of water shouldn't be too difficult. What does copper content matter anyway? Uh. It does. Apparently women are more sensitive to the taste of copper in water and so they wanted to test the levels of comfort by seeing our reactions to the taste. Sadistic bastards. One cup was completely copper free and the rest were a range to the maximum daily amount they would allow. So each day, the anticipation was overwhelming. Would I get the copper-free cup today or would I get the heavy hitter? Well, the day I got the heavy hitter, I knew it. In less than the 15 minutes I grew increasingly uncomfortable until I actually threw up. Clear, water, right back in the glass. It was astounding. Copper matters, people!

The current study, Body Composition, involved no real risks. Well, none to my body, just my self esteem. I did start my day by pulling up to the Lab's back alley and handing a brown paper bag with a urine sample to a lady standing out back smoking her cigarette. That wasn't standard procedure, I don't think. But when she said she could deliver it to the lab... somehow I trusted her. Go figure. Well, good news. I am not pregnant. Apparently because this study involves some radiation they have to test all the women to be certain. The study is trying to identify a valid field method for measuring body composition: the amount of muscle, bone, fat, and water in the body. It's useful for assessing risk for various diseases and conditions.

This study, like the water one, didn't pay a lot. But I only had to be there for one hour.... so I guess it's still more than I make at my job on an hourly basis. Of course my job doesn't require me to have electrodes strapped to my hands and feet or to wear a swim cap and spandex. It took three people to get that swim cap over my hair and I noticed there were NO mirrors in that room. Deliberate, I am certain. I won't go into all the technicalities, but I did get a bone scan (retail value $800, according to the lady who administered it) and I can get the results sent to my doctor. So I am guessing I WILL be taking calcium pretty soon when we discover I am already experiencing osteoporosis... Sigh. The coolest part was sitting in this thing they call the Bod Pod. I felt like I was on my way to Earth from the planet Krypton. Or that I might pass Mork making faces at me through the clear plastic window on this strange egg shaped fiberglass contraption. I am sure the blue swim capped conehead and spandex added to the alien effect.

Next week, I am going to start donating plasma again.